What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:06
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My ex got into a relationship within 2 weeks after a breakup. What should I do?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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One cannot live in the past .
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
When does a woman know she is cumming?
My life is so biszare .
So whats the point in blame.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why cant I stop thinking about counsellor between sessions?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
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When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
What are some photos of masturbation?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!