What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:44
I waited trembling.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do some guys treat girls so badly?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do White people love dogs more than humans?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What does it feel like wearing tights?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
How do I find a transgender girlfriend?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ive learnt so much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Comes on , in middle age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I will be 64.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i lived it daily.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..